06 March, 2015

Circle of Joy

Circle of Joy

March 2014

On June 26th 2013 I was told that I had breast cancer. My life as I knew it had ended.  Nowhere in my life plan was cancer a conscious choice, but at the age of 43 there it was, a lump the size of a golf ball glaring at me.  For the first time in my life I completely let go.  It was a whirlwind of Doctors, surgeries, scans, tests and people came from everywhere to help heal me.  Writing was a great help in constructively dealing with my emotions.  I published a book of Poetry while I was going through cancer treatment.

I wrote this towards the end of my treatment. 

Lump in the road


I was flying high

Healthy and fit

And then I tripped


There was a big lump

Totally unexpected

It stopped me in my tracks


You have cancer

Said a distant tunneled voice

My life shattered


A whirlwind of pain

Lots of Doctors in my face

Tests after tests, so much information


My world became so small

All I could focus on

Was surviving and not fall


I had my trusted partner

Always by my side

My darling girl so strong holding my hand


And then my Angels came

Angels from heaven

Angels from earth


They came as family, neighbours, clients and friends

They came with words, food, packs, cards and love

They came and they healed


All my energy I had focused on others

Was immersed and focused only on one

I worked on the inside out


Meditation became my daily mantra

I shielded myself from the darkness

I hid myself when I could not face others


First there was conventional war fare – the lump was sliced out

Second there was chemical war fare – poison within

Third there was nuclear war fare – radiated until my skin glowed


My eastern healers complimented the war fare

With soft crystals, massage

And good council


My treatment is still going

Though each day I start to see the light

Hope that I will be stronger – my spirit, my body, my heart and my mind

I am no longer in a hurry

My world has slowed totally down

I savour my daughter’s smiles, my partner’s kisses and my puppy dog’s love


I am living in the moment

With a constructive mind

Happy to be alive one day at a time


It is now nearly two years since I was diagnosed and I am ready to face the world more and rekindle my joy. 

The Gift Cancer Provides

I always thought I had a well-balanced life and was healthy, but I was wrong.  So much of my day to day energy was being directed outwardly to clients, staff, family, friends, mother mafia, community and too little was directed internally to me. There were too many ‘shoulds’ in my life, I wasn’t being kind to myself. Cancer provided me with the opportunity to release all.   I shed the lump, hair, dignity, humility, work, control, friends who weren’t really friends, family members who really didn’t care and stripped back to my core being.  What was left? Pure light energy and joy, it was hiding all the time and I was too busy to notice, nurture and be it.

I am now very selective of whom and what enters my life and my circle of joy.  My life is slower and I love this.  I am no longer busy.  I am even more present and quite discerning on who I work with and who I befriend. A harsh, over pleasing, martyr part of me has been released.  I don’t need her anymore.

I created a 30 year life intentions plan and my wonderful husband and daughter added their intentions.  We have it on a piece of butcher paper in our bedroom to remind us of all the things we want to experience.  For me it represents hope to have something to live for. 

Some tips I would like to share with anyone who is going through a health scare or if you have loved ones experiencing cancer:

1.     Don’t fight the cancer, acknowledge it, accept it, thank it and then release it (visualise the lump disappearing and the chemo and radiation killing off any dregs). Put all your energy into being well. Have a healing mindset, heal yourself and accept healing from all around you.

2.     Switch your mindset into constructive zone – there will be many bad days, but do not go over them and dwell on them.  Mix chemo sessions with a facial, favourite food, funny movie and whatever can make you feel happy.  Appreciate the days you can get out of bed and be grateful of the blessing of life itself. Immerse yourself with love and your favourite things.

3.     Get your best western and eastern healing team.  I combined surgery, chemotherapy, radiation therapy with crystal healing, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, meditation and massage.

4.     Get your partner to guard you from well-meaning friends and family who pop up out of the wood work.  You cannot spare any energy on them.

5.     Receive help – food, care packages, cards, books, DVDs, taking care of children, taking care of husband… You know you would be there for others and now it is your turn to receive.

6.     Always have someone with you when seeing Doctors or receiving treatment – too much is going on to be on your own and mistakes can happen.

7.     When you have had a blessed life it is easy to say that is enough and let go – BUT renew your hope to live and focus on WHO still needs you and what YOU still need to experience.  My daughter Siena saved my life she was 7 when I got cancer, she was my motivation to live.

8.     Have a dog by your side – your Chief Happiness Officer.  My Jack Russell Terrier lay by my side while I was recovering through chemotherapy and unconditionally licked my tears when I was sad. She was and is my companion in healing.

9.     Disease is a universal wake-up call – remember what is most important for you and let the rest go…

10.  Have courage, you need every ounce of your strength to get through this.

I wake up every morning feeling blessed to be alive.  I nurture and put energy into my own well-being.  I am now having enough energy to give to others, sparingly and selectively. I see healing and well-being as my on-going work in progress. I am extremely mindful of whom I work with, help and choose clients with aligned values and who have the desire to grow and learn.

I am not delusional; my western doctor visits are very good at reminding me of my on-going risks.  I am choosing not to focus on the risks, this only brings sadness and fear.

I am choosing to be as healthy and joyful as I can be one day at a time. Thank you to all my Angels that have helped me and continue to be part of my circle of joy.  I hope you don’t have a circle of sadness, anger, boredom, frustration, apathy – life it too precious. I hope you have your own circle of joy.

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